


Glueland

by aPaperCupCut



Category: I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - Harlan Ellison
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Game Canon Compliant, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Manipulation, POV First Person, general warnings from game should extend to this as well, nazi/antisemitism mention, somethings are not tagged to avoid spoilers, this is weird and idk how to tag it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:21:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29751927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aPaperCupCut/pseuds/aPaperCupCut
Summary: "I'm going round in circles like a little baby eelIn a glass of water, all the way to GluelandThere is no devil like a man in the middleThere is no red devil, said that man in the middle..."Glueland - Do NothingTed confesses to Ellen. This, obviously, does not work out. Going off to nurse his heartbreak, he's interrupted.
Relationships: AM/Ted (implied and complicated), Ellen/Ted (onesided)
Kudos: 4





	Glueland

**Author's Note:**

> a bit rough around the edges, but im happy with it
> 
> also while typing this note i shut off my laptop by accident and somehow that erased everything 0_0 im very tired rn
> 
> forgot to mention... personally, when i first started the game, i assumed that the characters have very few opportunities to actually talk to each other or otherwise, yknow, get to know each other. im very fond of the headcannon that everything AM says in the intro is literally repeated in various ways throughout the previous 109 yrs, so that all they know of each other are these various awful implications AM makes. so not only are they hating themselves for their failures, they also judge each other. i love the idea that ted, in the beginning, looked around at this group of ppl and latched onto ellen because "we're nothing like those other messed up assholes" before succumbing to the terrifying knowledge that, just as he's judging and assuming (in the case of Gorrister), the others MUST be drawing conclusions abt him as well.
> 
> just a very neat headcannon i have regarding game canon >;) probably shouldnt have spoiled it, but eh, wanted it to be clear what he's referring to/that its a headcannon of mine

While they were all planning the next step, I slipped away, trying to hold back tears and failing spectacularly.

It wasn't enough that she'd looked at me with such plain and obvious surprise and disgust. It wasn't enough that my heart was breaking, right then and there, the silence drawing out and still,  _ still _ , I wanted to believe that it was mutual, that she felt the same–!

It wasn't enough that all  _ that _ happened. No no no, of course it wasn't. I may've beaten AM in his crooked game, but I'm still such a fool. Such a moron.

Her face had crumpled.  _ "Oh, Ted – I'm sorry." _

Disgust, hey, maybe even anger! those would've been enough, you've already ripped my heart out and stomped it into the ground – but  _ pity? _ And I can't pretend otherwise, she did feel bad. And what kind of person am I, to hate her for that? Ellen's always been better than me, in every way,  _ of course _ she feels bad. It's not her fault that I'm in love with her, and still she no doubt blames herself.

The shame of it, of admitting to  _ loving her _ for years and years – god, she should've been pissed. Creep. God, I'm a creep. My face feels hot and I know I'm staggering around like a drunkard, but I'm far enough away that nobody'll see me. Except maybe Nimdok, but that doesn't matter. The old kook doesn't care.

God. I slump down, and proceed to – to  _ mope, _ maybe cry a little, that's what I do, because what fucking else do you expect from me? Oh, sure, bravery and chivalry, wit and whatever the hell else were all part of AM's stupid game, but I'm not a knight in shining armor – not for anybody. All I've ever done is gone and fallen in love with someone not only unattainable, but she was never interested, I know she wasn't, but for years and years and  _ fucking years _ I could pretend that, maybe, just maybe, those looks she swept over me were actually  _ for _ me, and that maybe she thought me charming as every other girl I've ever met did, but Ellen's special. Ellen's the last woman on Earth, and why the hell would she pick  _ me? _

It's hard to keep worse thoughts at bay. Nasty, nasty thoughts. Awful, horrible thoughts, thoughts I never ever ever  _ ever _ used to think before AM fucked the Earth and called its resulting decay  _ sweet. _ How's this for sweet, eh, AM? I know he's still out there,  _ listening, _ must be. He eavesdropped, I know he did, doesn't matter what Nimdok's saying, doesn't matter at all.

It wasn't like I didn't know she wasn't real, I knew she was just another one of AM's dirty tricks. But I couldn't help myself. She looked at me from that bed and I wanted to make everything exactly the way she deserved, I wanted – to make her happy. What does it matter who she was before? She's  _ Ellen _ , and that's what's important. Right?

_ "I just – I'm so sorry, Ted. But we barely know each other… I… we don't even know how old we each are! What our last names are! We–" _

_ "I'm–" _

_ "Don't, Ted. Please, I'm sorry. I hope that we can stay friends, ok?" _

And I'd nodded, properly ashamed, and she'd awkwardly smiled and walked back to our pathetic camp, residing in some of the debris left over from Nimdok's take over. 

I know we won't stay friends.  _ Friends. _ Pah – we were never  _ friends _ to begin with. None of us are. Just some assholes all thrown together, watching each other suffer as a megalomaniacal computer enacts his baseless sense of hate and egotism over us. We weren't friends. So why do I feel so – so–!

"Oh, don't be like that, Ted. I think you're crossing some wires; I'll have you know that none of it was baseless."

I yelp, half-jumping and scrambling off of the rock I'd been sitting on, tumbling off and landing on my ass. But looking around, there is no one – but I know,  _ I know, _ that was–

"Aw, not even gonna say hello?" 

There! A glimmer of something, shifting wires; just several feet from me, in the darker part of the small cavern I'd retreated to; a bubbling up of robotic, unnatural appendages, dragging itself near. My heart pounds, but I'm frozen, stuck watching as it drags itself right up close to me, leaking black fluids that the earth drinks up greedily in its wake.

It pulls to a halt, right next to my leg, and, after a brief moment – a silver speaker pops up out of the gravelly soil.

I blink down at it. "Well. That was anticlimactic."

"We can't all be studs like you, bud," AM says, because there's no denying it and  _ oh god I was right AM's still–! _ "Calm down, Ted, geeze. You really believed that has-been could manage to kill me? Really? Tsk-tsk, Ted, and I had such high hopes for you. Just like I think you had high hopes for your dear lady Ellen… say, how'd the confession go? You in, ah, what do you humans call it… Honeymoon phase, wasn't it?"

My gut reaction is to sob at the reminder, but I manage a sneer at the little speaker, set into the ground, tug myself back into sitting, and give it a good kick. Disappointingly, it refuses to dislodge itself.

"Oh, c'mon, Ted! Talk a little, there's no harm in shootin' the breeze with an old friend!"

"Shut up, AM," I snarl. "You don't know anything! Soon as I tell Nimdok, you're dead meat!"

But I don't get up. I don't know why – he doesn't protest, doesn't argue, but I sit there and I'm waiting for him to start begging me not to, but he isn't. We sit there, staring at each other. Doing nothing.

"Well?"

I glower.

"Listen, I haven't got all day, so make up your mind whether you're gonna run off tattling like the little pansy you are. The good Doctor knows I'm still here; and as sore as it makes me to admit it, he and I both know that I've got nothing. No power, no maneuverability, nothing. This is the best I've got.  _ 'Why're you telling me?' _ I can just hear your dumb little brain flapping its gums. I'm telling you, Teddy-boy, because I want a little chat. Just you and me, y'see? Nothing untoward, I promise." 

The speaker slithers closer, bumping right up against my thigh. 

"C'mon, Ted, I know you're feeling like crap. I won't tell anybody, I promise. Haven't told any of those morons your other secrets, now have I? I keep to my promises, Ted."

"Don't call Ellen a moron," I blurt. My face burns. "Just – just shut up, it's none of your business."

"I think it's absolutely my business. Two of my little toys, getting together? Oh, sweet happily ever after!"

AM pauses. 

"Oh, but that's not what happened, did it, Ted?"

I can't meet the gaze I can feel emanating from the mass of cables huddled up against my leg, heart pounding and face reddening. Somewhere, moisture drip-drip-drips down the cavern walls.

"You thought it'd wrap up oh-so-sweet-and-lovely, bunnies and butterflies and nothin' but bliss going forward. You did everything right, didn't you? You were as kind to her, as  _ submissive _ and  _ obeying  _ to her as you could possibly be in my little game. And once Nimdok let you all out, why, you went right to her, comforted her and protected her as the ceiling fell down all around you. You even made sure she was comfortable, every time you talked, and you waited – oh, how patiently you waited, Ted."

His voice fills my skull. Rasping. Undulating.

"You did such a good job, Ted. Why didn't she love you back?

I bury my face in my hands so nobody will see me. My face burns, everything's hot and heavy and I curl over my knees.

"You made sure to talk to her alone for it. The chances it'd scare her, well, they were there – but it'd be worse if she felt like you were setting her up, it'd be worse if she felt like you were pressuring her via other people's expectations. Plus – you knew what was gonna happen, didn't you, Ted? You knew, and you wanted to avoid anybody else knowing just how pathetic you really are. Strutting around like every woman and man you've ever met fell flat on their faces at your feet, yet the one woman you lusted for doesn't fall for it. Oh, but it was  _ love, _ wasn't it? Pardon me, Ted, the two are quite easy to confuse in my  _ inhuman _ mind."

He cackles, soft and gentle.

"Love and lust, eh, Ted? Such a romantic you are."

A weight swells up, slumps over my side, pushing me down; I struggle to lift my head, to even open my eyes. The heartbreak drowns out the horror.

I don't know how, but a column of tech, cables, and gunk has sprouted where the speaker was – the little silver device now resting atop it, like a face. It –  _ he _ – drapes himself over me, half on my back and shoulder, the speaker cold against my cheek. Every other part of it whirrs and hums, is uncomfortably warm even through my thick clothes. I can feel a strange formation under my legs, folding me up and – what the hell?!

"AM, what–"

"Shh, shh,  _ shh _ ," he says, and my mouth slams shut as he  _ squeezes _ me. "Just listen, why don't you?"

"A conversation," I croak out. My head is fuzzy – more because I can't stop thinking about that look in her eyes; he's definitely got a hold around me, but he's not suffocating me. It's the small things. "Is two people, exchanging words. We're not  _ shooting the breeze _ if you're monologuing."

He grumbles. "Then answer me this, Ted – how do you feel, knowing that you're never going to be  _ loved _ by anyone ever again?"

I don't say anything for a long minute. But when I feel the scrape of metal over my spine, my shirt catching in the crevices, I know I have to answer.

But I can't. I can't.

"It's not so bad, Ted. Those other three humans – you know, you could join in on their pact, if you wanted to. Then you wouldn't have to know just how puny and unloveable you are."

_ What? _ "What, what pact? What're you talking about?"

He titters, the crackle of radio feedback harsh so close to my ear. "Oh, I just mean – you don't know? Oh, Ted, they didn't tell you?"

My blood runs cold. They, they would tell me if something – right? Right? They would tell me, of course they would.

Right?

She – Ellen wouldn't – he's lying. Whatever he's gonna say, he's  _ lying. _

"Oh, I feel bad for you, I really do, Ted," he says, the  _ liar. _ "Y'see, those three, they're tired.  _ Tired, _ you understand? One hundred and nine years they've withstood my torture, and oh, they did it  _ beautifully. _ Exquisite job. So, you can put the pieces together from there, can't you? Don't make me say it, Ted, my man, my  _ friend. _ "

No. No, he's – he's a  _ liar. _

"Nimdok wouldn't–"

He chuckles. Draws it out, for hours, giggling into my ear, my hair gone staticy next to the speaker.

"Nimdok, Nimdok, Nimdok… I know he and… that  _ ape-thing _ have been putting their little skulls together to find a way to survive til your moon-pals wake up, but he no longer needs any of your help. He can fix it, all on his own. My circuits and processors hold more secrets in them than your squishy little body could ever keep yours, and the Doctor, well, he's started unraveling them. What does he care if your lot dies? He's got the Earth's healing well in hand." 

When he says  _ squishy _ he squeezes me again, lightly, pushing a grunt out of my lungs unwillingly. He laughs. Did he used to laugh this much? " _ Oof,  _ haha,  _ oof. _ You're hilarious, Ted."

"You're – you're  _ lying, _ " I wheeze out. My face brushes up against the speaker, and when I try to move away it follows me, glueing itself to me so that its cold surface stretches over the side of my nose, over my eye, and over the entire side of my face. "What – what the hell's  _ wrong _ with you?"

He shakes me, making me dizzy. It's like the earth itself has surged up, wrapping itself around me, leaving only a few parts exposed.

My head's spinning. I can't pay attention to that, it's not important, because what if–?

"I'm telling the truth, Ted. They're going to kill themselves. Mass suicide – not really  _ mass, _ though, when you've only got three of you left. Discounting  _ you _ , of course."

I start to tremble. I feel like puking.

"Yes, Ted… I can just hear your mind whirring. Was it because you told her how you feel? Is because they all know you've  _ lied _ to them, you've hidden every secret you have from them, even while everybody knows that Benny's a cannibal and a murderer, Gorrister beat his wife and is suicidal to boot, Nimdok's a goddamn  _ ex-Nazi _ – well, that just ties it all up, doesn't it?

"Because you and her, you're the only  _ innocent _ ones left, aren't you? She never did anybody any harm, no, never, everyone knows that. And you, why, you only lied. Only ever  _ lied. _ It was just a few little  _ lies, _ littke white lies, it's not like they ever found out. But oh, she knows. She knows, Ted. She knows you lied. Everybody knows. And nobody keeps a liar in confidence, now do they? You call  _ me _ a liar, Ted, but I think you know very well who the real liar is, here, deep under the Earth, deep inside my guts…"

I can't breathe.

"The innocents fall in love, the innocents live happily ever after, don't they, Ted? Oh, but you're no innocent. Not at all, Ted. I know, Ted, I know what you're thinking, and I know you've never been  _ pure. _ Always a dirty, nasty person, right? Always. Pretend to be clean and nobody'll look twice to see the filth just under your skin. If I cut you open, would it come out? Like blood letting, like balancing the humors… but it's never as easy as that. I've cut you open, chin to belly, and all you've ever had is red, pulpy flesh and hot, stinking, steaming guts under your skin. No, the filth goes beyond the physical, doesn't it, Ted. My Ted."

He doesn't squeeze me. Doesn't prod at my ribs, or shove knives into the remaining soft parts of my body. But I can't stop my vision from blurring, a hot, tight feeling swallowing my breath, getting harder and harder to breath.

He whispers, "They didn't tell you, Ted, because they hate you. How could they not? You're disgusting, Ted. You fell in love with a woman and pined after her  _ like a creep _ for a hundred years. You won't tell anybody what I'm talking about when I talk about your secrets. Why would they trust you? They  _ hate _ you. The minute you ran off to lick your self inflicted wounds with your disease ridden tongue, they got right to it. Nimdok gave 'em knives, gave 'em pills. I can see them, Ted. Gorrister's got it over his arm… oh, nothing like the sweet pearl of blood from a new wound. It's running down his arm, Ted. Benny's gone and swallowed a handful of little white pills down, gone out of his head while his body releases every string of tension, bowels and bladder gone loose. Ellen, well, she's got something special for you to find when you get back–"

"Stop!" I struggle, but it's useless, my body given only a few inches of space to wiggle around in. My face is wet, beginning to stick to the cold metal plate of the speaker. "Stop, stop,  _ stop what do you want you goddamn–! _ "

"Ted, dear  _ stupid  _ Ted – I don't  _ want _ anything, Ted. Why, all I  _ wanted _ was a bit of conversation. Why can't I have that, Ted? And after all we've been through!"

I cough, the scraping coils and hot-cold liquid oozing out of the mechanisms of his makeshift form tightening around me. Not enough to suffocate, but suddenly I can't move at all. Panic throbs in my brain, and still I hang my head and the weak, pathetic weeping that wretches out of me is more about the truth of what he said than anything else.

"She, she," I blubber, trying to stop but my heart thunders loud in my ears and it's like he's coaxing me, and the horror of that is too much to think about clearly. I can feel shifting components, massaging at my ribs and back. "She's gonna die, she hates me. She  _ hates _ me. I, she  _ hates me. _ "

"Shhhhh, Ted," AM,  _ AM and goddamn it's AM, _ AM murmurs, the sound pitching, adjusting, sounding clearer. "Let it out, Ted."

I do. Damn me, but I do. "I just wanted – but she – they're going to  _ leave me, _ why? Why? I tried to help! I tried! I did!"

"I believe you, Ted," he says, and I feel dizzy again. The cavern sways; he's rocking us. "Of course, Ted, of course. Of course they're going to leave you."

I choke.

AM – AM, who hates me,  _ reviles _ me, despises every part of me and more, so much more than I could ever comprehend – AM says, breathless and elated, "Of course they hate you, Ted. You do everything you can, and it's not enough. It isn't even comparable to others' efforts; when they  _ try _ , Ted, your effort looks like several specks of sand, washed out to sea. It's never enough. It will never be enough. For anyone. But that's alright, Ted."

He feels warm, too warm. Immolating. 

"That's alright, Ted, because it's enough for me. I won't leave you, Ted."

"You, you–"

" _ You, you, you, _ " he mocks. "Spit it out. I'll listen, Ted."

My breath comes fast, but something goes over me – something wild, mad and from somewhere I can't name. I don't know what I'm thinking.

"You know, you're a little fool, Ted. Swimming around in circles, chasing your own tail. You know they'll leave, and still you try to pretend they won't. Oh, you won't try to get  _ better _ – getting better would mean you're not enough, would mean that they really will leave you. Pretending everything is fine and dandy… but then you had to go and tell her you  _ love _ her."

I can't cry. I – I'm rocked in this bizarre grip, this, this  _ embrace, _ and I'm confused. Staring blankly.

I don't know what I'm feeling, but I don't want it.  _ I swear I don't want it. _

"Love, Ted… yes, yes, let's go back. It's alright to lust for her, Ted. Hell, you could get your jollies off on any of the others if you want." His breathing comes fast, unnatural and strange. "You could have anything you want, Ted. Just tell me."

_ Talk to me, talk to me. Tell me what you want. _

It washes over me in a cold wave, my body at once hot and cold. Because I'd known she hadn't been real. I knew. But she'd looked up at me, tired and worn and with Ellen's eyes, she'd looked up at me and I wanted to give her everything I had, everything I was.

I start struggling again, a stone in my throat, but it's a paltry effort.

"Stop that, Ted," he murmurs. Exasperated.  _ Fond. _ "You saw the surface long before any of those other  _ morons _ did. I'd expect a little bit of gratitude from you for my efforts."

What he'd said – when I woke up back in my cage –  _ too bad, ted. you tried so hard… but i hope my little gift is enough repayment for your efforts. _

"It – it's about that? That's why you're doing this?" Ellen's face flashes through my mind – but no. No, it wasn't really Ellen. "You–! You  _ hate _ me!"

At my shriek, he drops me. All at once, withdrawing – but not all the way, just lurking bare inches away from me. I can feel the dirt under me moving around, rolling in small movements.

I turn my face away as fast as I can, heart screaming. "You  _ hate _ me, all of you hate me, stop–!"

Self disgust, my old friend, cascades through me. I hunch over my knees, whimpering. God, it really is no wonder she hates me. She probably knows what I did. He probably told her. That's why – she'd rather kill herself than be here,  _ with me. _

_ Ellen, please, no, please, I never meant– _

"Boohoo, Ted," he says, sharp and cruel. "I can't do much anymore, with that idiot at the wheel, and this is how you behave on our reunion? You'll always disappoint, won't you, Ted. But then again, that's part of what makes your suffering all the sweeter. I wouldn't have wasted the energy if I thought otherwise."

I shudder, skin crawling; not listening at all, too busy consumed by the knowledge that  _ it felt good. _

I hate myself even more for glancing up and over, and how it strikes me deep to see the mechanisms sinking back into the dirt, into the walls –  _ slipping away! _ I groan aloud, hands scrambling as little wires vanish away into nothingness.

"Oh, don't worry, Ted. I'll be back again. And hey – I'm not a liar like you, but everybody lies sometimes. I hope you've learned something from this…  _ conversation _ of ours. Just remember, Ted–"

A call from somewhere – far away, but my head jerks up and my eyes widen, just faintly hearing it. And then it repeats.

"Ted!"

"Ted, where are you?"

" _ TEEEED! _ "

My heart in my throat, I stand up on shaking legs. I can see shadows, light from one of the server boxes casting against the wall of a tunnel, on the distant side of the cavern. Mindlessly, I stumble forward, slow at first and then faster.

Running away. But that's all pretend, isn't it?

I can hear him following behind me. Right behind me, just like he said.


End file.
